Stop Asking for Feedback. Start Asking This Instead.
How to Build the Trust That Unlocks Honest Answers
In my last blog, I shared one of the most important warning signs leaders often overlook: when the room grows quiet. Disagreement fades. Meetings seem smoother. Concerns are softened or left unspoken. Team members nod along, but their contributions may not be fully honest. On the surface, it may look like alignment. But beneath that calm, something different may be unfolding.
Your team may not feel safe enough to share the truth with you. This is one of the toughest realities of leadership. As you grow more successful, people are more likely to filter what they say. Not because you asked them to, and not because you want to create fear, but simply because authority shifts the dynamic in any room.
People become more cautious. They wonder how their words will land. They may ask themselves, “Is it worth saying this?” or “Will this change how I am seen?” Honest feedback rarely happens by chance in leadership. It must be invited with intention. Often, it starts with asking better questions.
Many leaders genuinely want feedback. So they ask what seems like the obvious question: “Do you have any feedback for me?” The problem is that most people will say no. Not because they have nothing to say, nor because everything is perfect. But because the question is too broad, too loaded, and too easy to escape. When someone in a position of authority asks this, the safest answer is often, “No, I think everything is good.”
That answer might feel polite and keep things comfortable, but it does not give you the insight you truly need. As a leader, your role is not just to ask for feedback. It’s to create an environment where people feel safe to answer honestly. This takes more than just being open. It calls for specificity, self-awareness, emotional control, and the courage to receive what you may not want to hear.
The Question Behind the Question
In my work with leaders, I often talk about the importance of alignment between your physical, mental, and relational self. This is the foundation of the IT Factor. It is also the foundation of a strong executive presence. Your presence is shaped by three things: how you carry yourself, what you believe about yourself, and how you connect with others.
But there is one piece of executive presence that is often underestimated: how safe people feel being honest with you. If people only feel comfortable agreeing with you, you are not getting the whole picture. If people edit themselves every time they speak to you, you are not getting their best thinking. If people wait until you leave the room to say what they actually think, you have a leadership communication problem that needs your attention.
This does not mean you have failed. It means you have an opportunity to become more aware of your impact. Self-awareness is a cornerstone of executive presence. It is not enough to know your intentions; you must also be willing to ask how others experience your leadership. There is often a gap between what you intend to communicate and what others actually receive. That space is where trust can be built or eroded.
Ask Questions That Create Safety
If “Do you have any feedback for me?” is not the right question, what should you ask instead? Ask questions that are specific and give people an opening. Make it clear you are not seeking praise. Show that you are ready to listen, not defend. Here are some powerful questions a leader can ask:
“What is one thing I could do differently that would make your job easier?” This question works because it is not abstract. It does not ask someone to evaluate your entire leadership style. It gives them a practical way to name something that could improve the way you work together.
“What is something you've wanted to tell me but haven't felt an opening to share?" This question requires courage on both sides. It acknowledges that the opening may not have existed before. It also communicates that you are willing to create it now.
"Where do you see a difference between how I want to show up and how I actually come across?" This is a self-awareness question. It invites someone to speak into the space between your intention and your impact. And that space matters, because leadership is not measured only by what you intend. It is measured by what others experience in your presence.
Do Not Ask Unless You Are Ready to Listen
The question is just the start. What you do next will determine whether people feel safe being honest with you in the future. If someone shares something difficult and you respond by explaining, defending, or minimizing, the conversation may end politely, but the message is clear: honesty is not truly welcome.
Your response teaches others what to expect next time. This is why pausing matters. When you receive feedback, especially if it surprises you, pause before you respond. Take a breath. Let the words settle.
You do not need to agree with everything, nor fix it on the spot. But you do need to show you can receive feedback with maturity and respect. You might say:
“Thank you for telling me. I want to think about that.”
Or, “I appreciate your honesty. I can see how that may have landed differently than I intended.”
Or, “That is helpful for me to hear. I may need a little time to process it, but I am glad you said it.”
These responses may seem simple, but they send a powerful message. They tell people, “You can be honest with me, and I will not punish you for it.” This is how trust grows.
Look for the Unfinished Business
In any relationship, including a working relationship, there can be what I call unfinished business. It may be something that was said and never addressed. Something that was not said but should have been. A decision that created tension. A meeting where someone felt dismissed. A moment when your intention and your impact did not match.
When left unspoken, these things do not go away. They settle beneath the surface. Over time, unfinished business can quietly shape how people interact with you. They may become more guarded, less direct, and less willing to share ideas or challenge assumptions.
This is why another powerful question to ask is this:
“Is there any unfinished business between us?”
That question might feel uncomfortable, but it opens the door to direct honesty. It shows you care not just about performance, but about the quality of your relationship. And leadership is deeply relational. People may comply with authority, but they commit to leaders they trust.
How to Make Feedback a Practice, Not a Performance
Honest feedback should not be a once-a-year event. It should not only happen during reviews, in a crisis, or after something goes wrong. It should be woven into how you lead every day.
This does not mean you need to constantly ask your team to evaluate you. It means building a rhythm of curiosity into your leadership.
After a meeting, you might ask, “What could I have clarified better?”
After a tough conversation, you might ask, “How did that land with you?”
In a one-on-one, you might ask, “What would help you feel more confident bringing concerns to me sooner?”
These questions create small openings. Over time, those openings build trust. This is where executive presence becomes more than just how you speak or present yourself. True executive presence is reflected in the environment you create for others.
Do people feel they can think with you?
Do they feel safe to challenge an idea?
Do they believe their perspective matters, even when it is different from yours?
The answers to these questions reveal more about your leadership than any title ever could.
The Real Progress Begins After the Answer
The goal of feedback is not just to gather information. The goal is to do something meaningful with what you learn.
If someone tells you they need more clarity, focus on becoming clearer.
If someone says they feel unheard, look at how you listen.
If someone hesitates to speak up in meetings, ask yourself what you might be doing, even unintentionally, that contributes to that hesitation.
You may not be responsible for every reaction to your leadership. But you are responsible for noticing your impact. If that impact is not what you want, you have the power to improve it.
This is intentional leadership. This is self-awareness in action. This is how you strengthen executive presence from the inside out.
Start With One Better Question
You do not need to ask every question at once. Start with just one. Choose someone whose perspective you trust. Set the stage for honesty. Ask a question that invites them to be open.
The most valuable feedback often does not come from the loudest voice in the room. It may come from the person who has been waiting to see if honesty is truly welcome. When you create that opening, you do more than receive feedback.
You build trust, deepen connectionn and strengthen your leadership presence. You show those around you that their voices matter. This is the kind of leadership people remember.
If you enjoyed this blog post, here are some other resources you might enjoy:
My book, Dare To Own You: Taking Your Authenticity and Dreams Into Your Next Chapter, the winner of two Feathered Quill Book awards, a Book Excellence award, and recommended by Forbes in 2022 as “a teaching memoir”.
My work as a keynote speaker, executive coach and communication expert. You can read more about more of my services here.
My podcast, the "Live Your Best Life with Liz Brunner" podcast: An award-winning and internationally streamed show that highlights powerful stories of re-creation and reinvention from guests who have taken their life experiences, and used that knowledge to create their “next chapters” and live their best lives.
Interested in Taking Yourself or Your Executive Team to the Next Level?
Brunner Communications assists high-profile individuals and organizations in sharpening and developing top level business communication, executive presence, and public speaking skills. Our passionate team provides one-on-one executive business coaching, and runs specialized business workshops. Through customized training, clients learn the necessary skills to become great communicators and build a marketable reputation.